I'd heard stories about girlfriends going off the rails after a bad break-up - especially when they'd had a boyfriend all throughout their teens (like me). Relying on rebound hook-ups to slowly cement their stone hearts back together, cyber stalking in their spare time and slamming friends with pessimistic relationship advice at every opportunity. So when I emerged from a seven and a half year relationship, brokenhearted at the age of 22 (I had to count on my fingers then, because really, it feels like a lifetime ago), I geared up for a string of scuzzy one-night stands, awkward internet dating and a google search for the local clinic. I'm exaggerating, sort of.
In truth, I took a year out of the whole thing. Unintentionally, I comforted my loss of self-confidence with shopping trips (it was a worrying few months for my overdraft, admittedly), nights out that involved nothing but dancing, and nights in with my favourite records on repeat. I also invested in my vinyl collection and got more tattoos. Optional.
One: Delete, unfollow and set to private
Thanks to the long-distance, and frankly completely crap, state of the past relationship, it wasn't hard to cut myself off from it all. I went home less, I deleted numbers, blocked Facebook accounts, unfollowed Instagram feeds and set my Twitter to private. Step one: do this, do all of this. Don't stalk. Don't look. Let go and take lots of deep breaths.
Two: Cry and eat curry
When people told me 'it will get easier', I wanted to tell them to 'fuck off'. If there's one thing that's harder than nursing a broken heart, it's knowing that you were roughly three years too late in getting there. Hindsight is a bitch, though. Then one night, after going home to cry continuously at my mum, we stayed up watching chick flicks in silence. Various curry nights with amazing friends followed and takeaways for one were, quite frankly, a lot less hassle than worrying what anyone else wanted to order. It was all great, really, really great.
Three: Put yourself first
While I appreciate this is a total cliche, it was a real turning point for me. I'd always been career driven, I'd moved cities on a whim and taken jobs across the country with little to no notice. But it wasn't until I was single that I realised what freedom felt like. You can literally do whatever the hell you want. Go where you want, eat where you want, shop where you want and, thankfully, pick up and leave town whenever you want. It's really easy to replace your ex with someone new, even a friend. Throwing all your dependence on another person, in my opinion, is just avoiding the problem altogether. Grow a pair, and put yourself first.
Four: Go on holiday
The Wonder Years had just released The Greatest Generation and I'd been offered a spa trip through work. A wonderful combination, really. Luck would have it that I joined a group of 4 or so girls who'd also been through a bad spot of boy trouble. We told our stories, sunbathed and had more spa treatments than I'd managed to tally in my entire lifetime. Making up for lost time, I most definitely was. Packing a bag and heading for your nearest departure lounge may seem like an old school tactic, but it helps.
Five: Praise the day you wake up and don't give a shit
For me, it was after my next visit to Donnington that I just stopped caring. Download Festival, my yearly ritual which my ex never came to anyway, help to dust the last few cobwebs away. It will happen and when it does, enjoy it. You've probably earned it, after all.
Six: Prepare to meet your next crush
Suddenly, after months of not noticing guys (or girls), you'll remember what it's like to fancy someone. Hopefully you'll be caught completely off-guard by the whole thing and feel like someone has taken a rolling pin to your gut (in a good way). At the very least, you'll feel pretty darn chuffed that your organs have some use again. Congratulations.
Seven: Start dating
By this, of course, I mean 'join Tinder'. I was a reluctant participate at first, but the idea of swiping left and right at your own discretion is nothing if not therapeutic. You can date, you can have spontaneous shags or you can lol and screen grab the various moments you match with a colleague. Warning, if your mates live within radius, compare and consult on matches to avoid double ups. It's happened and it's always, always awkward.
Eight: Keep steps one to six in mind at all times
It's easy to get caught up in the dating game without remembering the hassle it took you to get there. When small arguments over boys and social media slut shaming outweigh the complete head fuck you overcame in the first place. Be open, be honest and be realistic, but don't be afraid. If you're scared to put yourself out there - whether it's a knock-on effect of earlier heartbreak or not - future you might well come back and kick your ass.
All that said, I'm now a happily single lady with uncontrollable commitment issues and a lazy attitude to dating. But something tells me that's a feature for another day...
Good luck out there, it's a minefield.
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